Bad Movie Monday Part Two: Si Te Dicen Que Cai

I'm on a roll today. It's a cloudy day in LA, traffic was awful, I just turned 25, and I'm ready to rant.

Next up on the chopping block is Si Te Dicen Que Cai, which, translated, means "If They Tell You I Fell". Don't fall (ugh I know, CHEESY, I can't believe I said that) for this movie, as pretty as that box art is...So moving! So dramatic! So much red lighting! Wish the rest of the movie was artfully shot like this, because the quality of the copy I saw was piss poor - not like it deserves to be remastered (that would mean someone ELSE would have to watch this movie). By the way, THE BANDERAS is only in this movie for like 5 minutes. Get your Zorro fix elsewhere, ladies (or guys, I don't judge).

Here's a brief description I found from Netflix:

Many years after the Civil War in Barcelona, a doctor (Antonio Banderas) and a nurse (Victoria Abril) happen upon a body that played a vital role in their childhood aventis. As flashbacks reveal a story that may or may not have happened, the modern couple uncovers a whole new series of surprises. Banderas won Spain's Goya Award for Best Actor for his performance.

How did Puss in Boots win any kind of award? He was in this movie like 5 minutes. The main guy character is this dude:

His name is Jorge Sanz. He seems like a decent actor...but no heartthrob. "The Sexy" he is not. So of course, we get to see his pasty kibbles and bits all over the screen. What. The. Hell.

Victoria Abril, the main female character, was VERY HEAVILY pregnant in REAL LIFE when shooting this movie. She plays a prostitute for the majority of it. So you know where this is going...you guessed it, FETUS RAPE.

I kid, I kid. But I wish I was kidding when I saw a particular scene from this movie. For those faint of heart, I urge you to stop reading now. Oh hell I know you're going to read it anyways.

Bun in the oven Abril, who is known as one of the skankiest hos' in this brothel, is being visited by He-who-is-not-Banderas-and-will-show-his-pasty-kibbles-and-bits - HWINBAWSHPKAB for short. They are being watched by creepy priest dude with a cane. HWINBAWSHPKAB knows this, and tells ho-bag that he must "give the guy a show and pretend to be new lovers". They then proceed to "do as they do on the discovery channel" in EVERY which way possible...throw in a little bit of torture...and end it with a GOLDEN SHOWER ON HER HEAD as she screams, "I want to die...kill me."

There are just some things you can't un-see. That is one of them. Was R. Kelly one of the writers of this??
(to make up for you having read what I just wrote, here's Chappelle as R. Kelly.)
Back to the movie:
What exactly happens in this movie, I really don't know. Pregnancy I can take. Weird sex scenes, tolerable. Add those two together and a GOLDEN SHOWER and I'm done. I didn't see the rest.

Bad Movie Monday! Part One... BLOOD GNOME

By the way, welcome to everyone.

My friend Judy suggested I start blogging about some of HORRIBLE movies that I get to watch. So here's the start of a blog that everyone will love to hate... BAD MOVIE MONDAYS. Because Mondays are always bad, why not get a dose of something worse?

I'm starting it off with a classic - BLOOD GNOME. Lovely box art. Don't sue me, I found the picture somewhere random. Look at the tag line: "This is one sexy horrific ride!" I assure you, it is not. The "gnomes" look scary enough. Kinda. If you're afraid of things without noses. Like Voldemort. Let's compare:
Yeah, Voldemort and these Blood Gnomes are from the same septic pool. 'Cept Voldemort is, you know, a worthwhile character to be scared of, while these turds known as blood gnomes are no more scary than smurfs with retardation. (no offense to people with disabilities. These things are honestly retarded.) Also, this movie was made in 2002. NO EXCUSES guys...you're in this decade for heaven's sake. Here's a sampling of what movies came out in 2002. Yeah, I know that a lot of these movies had huge budgets, fair enough, but what with modern technology can I believe that CG-Gollum can kick a Elijah Wood's hobbity ass...and while in this movie, they can't even afford some CG to at least do some beauty work on these people's pimply buttcheeks, girating while getting whipped by a dominatrix. Nice going.

Anyways, after looking at the cover art, you might be intrigued enough to waste your time with this garbage. I don't know why. Maybe you have a lot of time on your hands.

Let's start off with a short description of the movie, from Netflix's website.

A crime scene investigator, Daniel (Vincent Bilancio), tries to make sense of a rash of sex murders that's engulfed the city and soon realizes that the carnage isn't the work of human hands. Instead, creatures called Blood Gnomes are stalking victims, and no one knows for sure how to stop them and wipe them off the face of the Earth. Co-stars Melissa Pursley and erotica maven Julie Strain.

Okay. The movie is a lot more lame than that description makes it out to be. Basically, the movie is about these weirdos that have S&M sex and cut each other up, and when that happens these poor-excuse-for-puppets "blood gnomes" come out and kill one of the people getting bloody and sexed up. Oooo. Scary. You know when there's sexy-good and sexy-bad in a movie? This whole movie is a world of "sexy-bad". You just feel embarrassed for the people who have to act like they're getting killed by puppets, while trying to look sexy and into getting cut up by someone they're about to put their private parts into.

Acting is bad, script is bad, directing is bad, effects are bad(they apply the use of fake tentacle things for the growin' youngin' gnomes. What that has to do with gnomes, I have no idea). I don't really know what else to say about it other than "bad". Although I will probably be saying "bad" a lot these next upcoming Mondays. Oh well. I'll have to get creative...later.

Still want to actually watch this dribble? It's your funeral. You can rent it from Netflix or if you have Watch Now, watch it instantly.

Tune in soon for a new edition of "Bad Movie Mondays". I might have to do a few more during the week to catch up on several of the stinky movies I've seen recently.