Bad Movie Monday Part Two: Si Te Dicen Que Cai

I'm on a roll today. It's a cloudy day in LA, traffic was awful, I just turned 25, and I'm ready to rant.

Next up on the chopping block is Si Te Dicen Que Cai, which, translated, means "If They Tell You I Fell". Don't fall (ugh I know, CHEESY, I can't believe I said that) for this movie, as pretty as that box art is...So moving! So dramatic! So much red lighting! Wish the rest of the movie was artfully shot like this, because the quality of the copy I saw was piss poor - not like it deserves to be remastered (that would mean someone ELSE would have to watch this movie). By the way, THE BANDERAS is only in this movie for like 5 minutes. Get your Zorro fix elsewhere, ladies (or guys, I don't judge).

Here's a brief description I found from Netflix:

Many years after the Civil War in Barcelona, a doctor (Antonio Banderas) and a nurse (Victoria Abril) happen upon a body that played a vital role in their childhood aventis. As flashbacks reveal a story that may or may not have happened, the modern couple uncovers a whole new series of surprises. Banderas won Spain's Goya Award for Best Actor for his performance.

How did Puss in Boots win any kind of award? He was in this movie like 5 minutes. The main guy character is this dude:

His name is Jorge Sanz. He seems like a decent actor...but no heartthrob. "The Sexy" he is not. So of course, we get to see his pasty kibbles and bits all over the screen. What. The. Hell.

Victoria Abril, the main female character, was VERY HEAVILY pregnant in REAL LIFE when shooting this movie. She plays a prostitute for the majority of it. So you know where this is going...you guessed it, FETUS RAPE.

I kid, I kid. But I wish I was kidding when I saw a particular scene from this movie. For those faint of heart, I urge you to stop reading now. Oh hell I know you're going to read it anyways.

Bun in the oven Abril, who is known as one of the skankiest hos' in this brothel, is being visited by He-who-is-not-Banderas-and-will-show-his-pasty-kibbles-and-bits - HWINBAWSHPKAB for short. They are being watched by creepy priest dude with a cane. HWINBAWSHPKAB knows this, and tells ho-bag that he must "give the guy a show and pretend to be new lovers". They then proceed to "do as they do on the discovery channel" in EVERY which way possible...throw in a little bit of torture...and end it with a GOLDEN SHOWER ON HER HEAD as she screams, "I want to die...kill me."

There are just some things you can't un-see. That is one of them. Was R. Kelly one of the writers of this??
(to make up for you having read what I just wrote, here's Chappelle as R. Kelly.)
Back to the movie:
What exactly happens in this movie, I really don't know. Pregnancy I can take. Weird sex scenes, tolerable. Add those two together and a GOLDEN SHOWER and I'm done. I didn't see the rest.